(Mary Bronstein, USA, 2025, 113 minutes)
There are mothers who make it look easy, and then there are mothers, like Rose Byrne's increasingly-beleaguered Linda, who make it look hard as hell.
As Mary Bronstein's followup to Yeast hurtles from one incident to another, it doesn't seem as if things can get much worse, and yet they always do. (Byrne, a fine actress, has frequently appeared in films that don't quite deserve her, though I wouldn't say that's true of If I Had Legs I'd Kick You.)
Some of these incidents are Linda's fault, and some aren't. What can't be helped is that her daughter (voiced by Delaney Quinn) has a chronic condition that has led to a critical loss of appetite, so she's on a feeding tube. If she doesn't gain 50 pounds by the deadline, the doctor (played by Bronstein, who appeared in Yeast with Greta Gerwig) will have to resort to extreme measures. Both illness and protocol remain undefined, which makes things seem ominous in ways matter-of-fact clinical terms might not.
It's also ominous that the child remains unseen until the end, like Rosemary's Baby, except not. Instead of a physical presence--other than glimpses of fingers, ears, stomach--she's a voice; a whiny, wheedling voice of insatiable need.
The unnamed child's physical absence means that Byrne doesn't just appear in every scene, she's often the only one visible, both doubling her workload and suggesting that the whining is all in her head.
Fortunately, the actress is up to the task, even when the camera seems to be inches away from her face. Cinematographer Christopher Messina (not to be confused with the actor), who shot Josh and Benny Safdie's Good Time, has a knack for closeups that don't feel invasive, exploitative, or even unflattering, necessarily, but make the character's paranoia palpable.
It's not that Linda's daughter hates her, but she never gives the kid what she wants when she wants it. Though the film's conception of motherhood plays like an endurance test, especially when a child is chronically ill, Bronstein leaves open the possibility that she's also a real pain in the ass.
Or maybe she isn't, but because we see everything from Linda's bleary perspective, she certainly seems that way. What inflames an already-fraught situation occurs within the first few minutes when a ceiling in their Long Island apartment collapses, so she and her daughter set up shop in a motel while her husband (Christian Slater), a ship's captain, is away on business.
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Linda is a therapist in therapy, a scenario that recalls The Sopranos, in which Tony Soprano's therapist, Lorraine Bracco's Dr. Melfi, would turn to Peter Bogdanovich's Dr. Kupferberg for counsel. Conan O'Brien plays her exasperated therapist, who works at the same clinic, while Danielle Macdonald (an Australian-born actress, like Byrne) plays Caroline, a young client also overwhelmed by motherhood.
Linda is a surprisingly competent therapist, but her clients--even her client's partners--don't make her life easier, not least when Caroline disappears.
These would be challenging situations for anyone, except this isn't a melodrama where everything culminates in a cataclysmic and possibly transformative event, and as bad as things get, Linda isn't without resources. She isn't single or unemployed, and yet she's on her own for reasons that aren't completely clear. There's no mention, for instance, of parents or other family members who can help while Charles is away. She doesn't even have any friends.
Then again, she might not know how to make them, in which case her problems began long before motherhood.
If everyone is rude to her on some level–though she gives as good as she gets–she doesn't know how to react to the rare moments of kindness.
Every person, every encounter, represents a potential threat, even James (A$AP Rocky), a motel super who sees her more clearly than anyone else. His patience isn't unlimited, but he offers to help this harried mother several times, and more often than not, she rebuffs his decidedly non-sexual advances. Though he does return a few of her insults, he keeps trying until she finally relents.
A$AP Rocky, aka Rakim Mayers, held his own against Denzel Washington earlier this year in Spike Lee’s Highest 2 Lowest, but he's even better here.
He's been acting since 2015, so Rocky isn't a newcomer, but 2025 marks his breakout year, capped by a cover story for Elle in which he admits he doesn't mind being known as a pretty boy--"I wear it like a badge of honor"--and good for him, because it's only an insult when a performer prioritizes appearance above all, but he's a warm presence in an otherwise prickly film.
Conan O'Brien, who usually plays himself when he appears in narrative features–Todd Solondz's underappreciated Storytelling is a favorite–and Danielle Macdonald are both strong, though it's harder to judge Christian Slater and Ella Beatty, the impressively tall daughter of Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, because their parts are so small, to the extent that I'm not even sure why Ella is in the film, since Bronstein reveals little about her character. Daniel Zolghadri, on the other hand, impresses as a pouty, impatient narcissist. Though his therapist is clearly suffering, his awareness extends no further than his problems and his time. He also appears to be sexually attracted to her.
If I Had Legs I’d Kick You begins as a dark comedy before edging into horror, punctuated by bursts of sparking, surrealistic imagery. It's been compared to the Safdies' Uncut Gems, and this scans, not least since Bronstein's husband, Ronald, edited that diamond district thriller to nerve-jangling perfection in concert with Daniel Lopatin's propulsive score.
Beyond her directorial debut, Bronstein also appeared, as an actress, in her husband's Frownland, possibly the darkest of the mumblecore films to emerge in the aughts (Ronald, as an actor, appears in the Safdie's semi-autobiographical debut as a duo, Daddy Longlegs, and he's fantastic).
Despite all that initial filmmaking activity, though, things grew quiet for Mary Bronstein afterward, and the 17-year gap between features might make it seem as if she's been spinning her wheels. On the contrary, her film offers a heightened version of things she's actually experienced, from the mystery illness to the extended motel stay.
There's a line at the end that sums things up as best as anything can. I found it relatable, though I don't have kids, and I would imagine some mothers would, too--even if it they'd never admit (no spoilers here).
The film, as a whole, is one of the best I've seen about motherhood at its most stressful. Consequently, it isn't an especially enjoyable experience, but Byrne brings a certain lightness to a scenario that might be borderline-unwatchable without her spectacular versatility, and that's no mean feat.
If I Had Legs I'd Kick You opens at SIFF Uptown on Fri, Oct 16. Yeast isn't currently available in any form; here's hoping that renewed attention in Bronstein's work reverses that course. If I Had Legs images courtesy A24 (Rose Byrne with Conan O'Brien and A$AP Rocky; Byrne photos, with and without Rocky, by Logan White) and the IMDb (Rocky in Highest 2 Lowest).
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